Lockup
Originally uploaded by Mike Fields

This is something I wrote for the ladies at Chicago Floortime Families. Please go visit their site. They have lots of great information there (including this article on using process to teach).

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Sometimes (often) when working with our kids, we run into an idea that is hard to understand or even explain. “Thinking out of the box” makes a nice catch phrase, but how do you actually DO that? Well, sometimes it’s a stroke of magic (luck) and sometimes it’s an idea from somebody else. One strategy that I’ve found fits almost any situation is the idea of playing dumb. Dr. Dunbar likes to explain it in terms of the old Peter Faulk television detective Columbo (if you’re not familiar with Columbo, go rent an episode). Columbo was a master of playing dumb.

Columbo had a knack of fumbling through a case until, in frustration, the killer would confess and explain to Columbo how clever his plot was since Columbo was too naive to figure it out for himself. That’s the irony of playful obstruction though. Columbo wasn’t really clueless and wasn’t really fumbling through the case. Rather he used his apparent naivety to lure the killer into lowering his guard and opening himself up. That’s the irony of playful obstruction, or playing dumb. It usually requires more thought, discipline, and creativity to do the WRONG thing than to do the right thing.

Floortime is based on intimacy, emotion, shared experience… or more simply – communication. In typical communication, we make inferences from context, tone, past experiences, etc. This frequently makes communication more efficient by letting us jump to the point or intent of the exchange. When a husband grunts and points to his wife’s dessert at dinner, his wife can easily recognize the fact that if she doesn’t eat quickly her food will soon be stolen. This kind of shortcut in communication runs counter to what we are trying to promote through Floortime. At the spring conference in 2005 I remember a parent asking Dr. Greenspan how to use floortime to help a child get dressed quickly for school. Dr. Greenspan answered without hesitation “If you’re in a hurry, you aren’t doing Floortime.”

So, we have to turn off our instinct to anticipate what our kids are communicating to us. Or maybe I should say we have to turn off our instincts to RESPOND to what our kids are communicating to us. What I mean by that is, the more we understand about their wants, needs, what they are trying to tell us, the more able we will be to respond to their communication. But, rather than jumping to the point and shortening the exchange, we want to lengthen it. We do this by playful obstruction, or acting like Columbo. We really know the answer (sometimes), but by playing dumb, we can woo our child into lowering his guard and opening himself up.

Here’s one of the most fun exchanges my son Brendon and I have had. This was last summer (2005) when Bren was 7 years old and taking swimming lessons. He was really doing well, so his instructor Grace kept challenging him. By the last 5 minutes of the lesson, Bren was just so overwhelmed from having tried so many scary things that he couldn’t do anymore. Grace wanted him to “play a game” where he pushed a ball by splashing (he wasn’t allowed to touch it). Bren got really upset and started crying. He said “I just can’t take any more of your ridiculous rules. It’s too hard. Please can I have rule free-fun for the next 5 hours?” So Grace abandoned the idea of the game and spent the last 5 minutes talking to him and helping him calm back down.

This was something Bren was having trouble with at school too. He was really being pushed and challenged a lot. So I tried to think of a way to help him not feel so oppressed by rules. I had to find a way to show him that rules could be fun too. In a rare moment of inspiration, I had an idea. As Bren was getting out of the pool I told him “it’s ok buddy. We’ll have rule free fun for the next 5 hours.” So I started walking towards the ladies locker room to change. Bren got a hint of a smile on his face and said “You’re not a woman. You have to go in the men’s.” I realized then I had him hooked. Now, I could have stopped right there and gone onto a long winded explanation of how rules can be good (which is my natural tendency). Instead I fought the monstrous impulse and tried to drag out our discussion. I knew if Bren was TOLD about rules, he might get it, and he might not. But if he was able to internalize it, to really feel how rules can be good or fun that it would be a much more effective learning experience. That’s what Floortime does. It helps you know something in your heart, in your soul, not just in your mind.

So, I protested “Hey, no fair! That’s a rule. You said rule-free fun!” I saw that hint of a smile again. We went to the men’s locker room and got changed then headed out to the car. I handed him the keys and climbed in the back seat. He giggled and said “I can’t drive, I’m just a child. I don’t have a license.” I said “Hey, no fair! that’s a rule. You said rule-free fun!” But I conceded, swapped places, and started driving. I told Bren I didn’t want to drive on the road, so I drove in the grass instead (we live in the boonies, so it was safe. (Don’t try this in Chicago). Bren started laughing yelled “NO! You have to drive on the road silly!” So we had another exchange about rules. When we eventually got to our street, I told him I didn’t want to drive forwards, so I put the car in reverse and drove backwards down our street (again, this is out in the boonies where you can act like an idiot and not be in danger). We had yet another exchange about rules. When we got near our house, I just parked in the middle of the cul-de-sac and got out. By this time he was laughing so hard I figured he’d need to change his pants. He kept telling me what I was doing wrong and I kept protesting that if HE didn’t have to obey any rules for 5 hours, then I shouldn’t have to either. But I moved the car anyway… into the woods behind our house. Finally, I parked the car in the garage and we went upstairs. It was time to eat, so I served him dinner with his drink in a bowl and food in a cup.

That was years ago, but we still talk about things you have to do even though you don’t want to, or things you simply are not allowed to do. Even though it was something that was really hard and scary for Bren, we were able to discuss easily for an hour and we both laughed almost the whole time. It helped Bren conquer some of his fear and insecurity about being out of control. He knows now that rules can help GIVE you control too. And, he understands, deep down he REALLY understands, that “a li’l bit o’ rules is ok.”